Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Our last conversation ...

..is weighing on me ..
I keep thinking about Rita's last conversation with me and it makes me really want to cry.   We both had come to the conclusion that we had failed!  Failed in our pursuit to loose weight ... And we were very sad about that .. Since dec 2012 Rita hadn't been right, hadn't been her usual, fluffy, funny self!  The hospital kept messing with her drugs and not getting it right!  But last week, finally, it seemed she had turned the corner and she was back to her jolly self, chirpy, wicked and sorting all her craft goodies out! She was the happiest she'd been for a while but was despondent with the weight she'd gained whilst all her meds were wrong.. But we were going to sort it, we were fed up but we were going to sort it ...
"Don't worry Rita, we'll get through it together!"
"Of course we will,"
"Lots of love~ see you soon."
"Bye, God bless mate!"

But we won't will we, we can't and we never will!

I'm sad that our last thoughts were of failure and that's made me angry that the weight of not losing weight made us sad and frustrated ... Is that the way it should be?

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Today I lost a part of me.

Today I lost a very close, loving friend.
Taken away suddenly, too soon!

To me, Rita, you were ...

Little: I could put my arm around you for a hug and you fitted in the crook perfectly.

Wicked: You had the most naughty, wicked sense of humour. Your eye's twinkled with wickedness!

Giggly: I missed many a snippet of information because of you telling me something to make us giggle.

Soft: I loved giving you a peck goodbye on your soft cheek.

Nagging: Oh you did tell me off if I'd not looked after myself properly, or done something I shouldn't have! Or indeed eaten something naughty (but we'd laugh about it because you'd have done the same!).

Caring: Rita you really did care about me, you took over when my Mum said to me 'sod You!' and hasn't spoken to me since ... You weren't going to be kept away from seeing me in hospital, you checked I had done all the things I needed to, asked the right questions, and always checked if I needed you to come with me to the hospital. You were there to listen to me, to guide me, to care about me and my family!

Supportive and strong:  You were a tough cookie alright, no nonsense, no faffing, straight talking, big loving life buoy and I loved you for it!

Open: Rita, you were always truthful and open and honest! I knew you said what you felt and how you saw things... A spade was indeed a spade to you!

Creative: you loved all the twiddling, fiddling, experimenting, that craft's offer .. We had many a good conversation/class about cards and knitting and sewing. You were going to teach my Little Pink One to sew (which she was so looking forward to). Every little bit and bob could be used for something... You saw possibilities in everything.

Sensitive: People hurt you  ... You hated unhappiness and took it really hard if someone turned on you, all you ever did was give, and some people just took, took took and that hurt and bewildered you, that made your friends and George and Colin sad.

There was so much more for us to do Rita, we were going to put the world to rights, then decorate it with loveliness, fill it with cards and make everyone happy! We were going to go out and enjoy it!

Rita, for a little lady you've left a big hole in my life!
I shall never forget you, my lovely!

Rita, I know there were lots of things you did that I, obviously, never had a part in, like your bingo, your family and things like that... But I did hear of them ... I wish them all the strength and love they'll need to carry on without you! My thoughts, love and sympathy go out to them all.

Sleep in peace Rita, may there be a Big Shot up there for you!  God bless Mate!

Rita:  21April 1933 ~ 23 June 2013

Friday, 21 June 2013

Well what a week ..

... still feeling down & fed up ... fed up with aches and pains and now the added worry of a largish mole/ spot type thing!
Sooo ...
A trip to the hospital for an ultrasound on my lumpy tummy ~ wait to hear results (though he did kinda mention he didn't think there was anything horrid in there!! He took lots of pics and measurements!)
A trip to the Dr's for a look at my mole thingy on my shoulder and the itchy mole on my front! ~ She's going to refer me to the dermatologists, she said it's a bit flared up ~ wait for an appointment!
Watch this space!

Having said that I've been moving around a bit more .. so that's good!!! .... And .. had a fine day yesterday when my little pink one turned into a teenager!  Love her!

Monday, 17 June 2013

Chicken'd out last week ..

... thinking about doing it again this week!!!! Slimming World is not slimming me!

What a lot going on at the moment ... I have a scan tomorrow to see what all this lump business is about .. and possibly another laparoscopy  to follow with the understanding that if he finds something he WILL open me up and it WILL set me back!!!!!!! Ho hum!  Happy days ... NOT!

So .. once again, sitting  here thinking about things and I was wondering if I'm feeling very negative towards my weight loss gain... and was thinking if I started again ... it wouldn't seem so bad that I'd, in Oct 2012, lost 3 stone and now I've put on about two of them!!!!!  Start with a clean slate and try again!!!!  What do you reckon?!?!?!
Anyway ... let's see what tomorrow brings!

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

What an emotional day that was!

Phew!  That was hard going on the emotional front I must say!  The thing is I'm really at a low... Fed up with pains, fed up with my inability to actually lose weight, fed up of living on painkillers and yesterday I really felt on my own, like I have no one to talk too!  (wonder if all these painkillers are making me feel so sad?) 
Anyway, luckily for me, I have a great support group in the form of my Slimming World friends, and there are lots of them, who offer comments of encouragement and support in times of need. Even the lovely ones who don't know me that well!  They are all there keeping me and others bobbling along on the road to our goals... Thank heavens for them all!!!   Xxxxxx I took all their comfort yesterday and used it as well as I could.  My fab consultant took to the phone and we had a good chat albeit a bit teary from my end and I actually felt a bit positive by the end! Hurrah!  What happened later on though, knocked me for six...  Long story - short... My Mother's not talking to me, hasn't done so for two years 4 months now! It hurts! 

Well, my son and I had to get some Molly lady fish for his tank so popped off to HGL! As we parked I noticed my mothers and step fathers car parked there too ... My mouth went dry, my emotions went into over-drive and my poor son, bless him, was keeping me chatting and jolly! We spent the next 45 mins trying to avoid them... Why you may ask.. Well I couldn't face another snub/ rejection... Another nail in my coffin of utter uselessness!!! I knew if I saw them I'd need to say hi, ask how they were.. You know.. The usual pleasantries ...and I knew that my step dad would try to answer and that my Mum would either turn away or say some sarcastic comment ... So why do that to myself?  I did ask my Son if he wanted to see his Nan, but like he said, 'no, why? She hadn't seen me for two years, she might not even recognise me!!!'.  
How sad is that eh? Trying to avoid one's own mother!  That was an emotionally draining moment!!
Popping to my SW group was a good thing for me last night... To be amongst lovely, like minded people.. All with their own routes to their goals!   I sat and listened, didn't speak!  Just was there!   I needed that!  Thanks for being there!   Xxxxxx

Monday, 3 June 2013

Wow! What a day!

So it went like this ...
Got up at 6:45 am for a walk around the park, a good 2 miles!
Breakfast: half a grapefruit, boiled egg, a muller light yogurt.
The morning spent standing, painting.
Lunch :  large green salad, ham, new potatoes.
Afternoon, shopping, lots of bodymagic with a quick pit stop at Costa for an Americano.
Tea: SW bolognaise, wholemeal pasta, green salad. Fresh fruit for afters.
Another quick walk before bed!

Then I woke up, and realised it was all a dream and that really .. I'm a fat, useless, no good dieter!

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Come on .. come on ...

... where's my willpower, my happiness, my fighting spirit?  It's all gone at the moment!
I soooo need it back ~  It's scarey!