Tuesday, 31 July 2012

How I felt .... Sept 2011

Today's the day .... 

.... that I start trying to love myself again!

I have fantastic children, a lovely house, friends, a caring husband and a family yet I'm unhappy ....

In June someone hurt me and sent me plummeting down into my pit of self loathing and hate again, I'd been there before, but slowly over the years, I'd been clawing my way back out and I got to the point where I thought "You know what! You're not too bad!"
Well here I am again at the bottom, not wanting to go out, not looking people in the eye (cos I'm so disgusting to look at) just wanting to sleep and let it all go away! That person doesn't understand and gets cross that I don't want to do things but it's they who put me there! That one thing, seems so insignificant to them, but it's so big to a person who was walking the tightrope over the pit!

Anyway suffice to say while wallowing (yep! easy enough for people to say oh she just needs to sort herself out and stop wallowing in her self pity, but it is hard!) in my pit of self loathing and self hate I've gained weight so I've also started in the circle of DEPRESSED so I'll EAT so I GAIN WEIGHT so I get DEPRESSED so I EAT ..... you get the drift!
All this has resulted in another kind of pain ~ physical ..... my feet hurt, my hips really hurt, my back hurts, I get dizzy and more headaches! Since June I've put on OVER a stone and my body doesn't like it!!! I don't like it! I don't like the way I feel, look or the fact that I don't do things with the children! I DON'T LIKE ME .. again!

Today I saw a video blog about liking your true self and I thought about that and realised that I don't even know who my true self is ... I think I've spent all my life wanting to be accepted and loved and never quiet making it and in the process losing myself in the ... 'maybe ifs'
Maybe if:
*I'd been a boy my Dad would have loved me more and given to me and my sister all the support, opportunities and great things he gave his son.
*I'd have been thinner my first husband wouldn't have gone off with his secretary who was younger, thinner and didn't have two youngsters under two screaming at home.
*I'd have been more confident I'd have had the promotions at work that I watched others getting.
*I was cooler my Son would want to do things with us rather than his Dad.
*I was thinner with nice legs and nice boobies this June thing wouldn't have happened.
*I was more confident I could get a job.
and so it goes on ..... but at the end of the day I still don't know who I am ...
I know
I'm a daughter (rubbish at that as far as my parents go, should have been a boy, should be like my sister!)
A sister (ok as far as one goes but not the other)
A wife (rubbish as far as one goes, don't know what number two really thinks, maybe there's always better round the corner ... So he'll keep a look out!)
A Mother ( could be cooler like Dad!)
An Aunt (OK ~ I think)
A friend (Ok)
But who am I ???

Hopefully I'll start to find out, and in the process love myself, my body ... me!

GLAD TO SAY >>> I'M STARTING TO LIKE MYSELF AGAIN!!!! Doing well at Slimming World and being voted Woman of the year are making me feel happy about me!

Monday, 30 July 2012

Hmmh! ... My journey to my heaviest!

Where do I start?!?!? 
Well .. I've never been small .. I think I was born fat!!! A month early!!!
Anyway through my 40 odd years there's been many a nasty word said to me .. each one hurt and made me hate myself more ....
Some of my nicknames were Chunky, Fishbowl, Splodgness ...
In sports I was always the last to be picked!
I had no friends to play with and used to spend my lunch times wandering around with the dinner ladies on duty for company (and so no one could be horrible to me!) .
The first boy, I told someone I liked, turned to me and said
"I spit at your feet, you disgust me!" Great start!

My childhood seems to have been made up of unhappiness due to my weight and bullies!  There were probably loads of other things too but those really stuck in my mind and shaped me to the way I feel today and my hating myself!

I'd do things, silly things like if ever I did get a party invite I'd go, and because we didn't have much money, for 'nice' foods I'd eat tonnes .. be sick and go back for more! (Awful I know .. I cringe even thinking about it ... but those early days weren't the last!)

Even though my first husband hated me being 'FAT',  when, after the divorce, I cleared out the loft I found my wedding dress and was surprised to see that it was size 20!!!!  So when he first met me I wasn't tiny!!!
All his awful comments about my weight etc were there from day one almost! 
So ... In the early years of marriage I lost a bit of weight with Rosemary Conley but was not encouraged by him  ."Half a pound! Is that all?" ...  "what's the point of spending all this money .. you're still fat!" .. things like that!
Having my two, gorgeous, wonderful babies .. never stopped him having a go at me either .. if it wasn't my weight it was something else .. even when I really nearly died, when my second Baby was 4 months old, with acute pancreatitis his comment to me was "it's because you're so fat isn't it?" ... Actually because I'd had a baby .. my internal organs had gone soft and some stones dropped out my gall bladder and blocked the pancreas .... Even his parents didn't visit me! I was in hospital for 10 days!
When he finally did leave me .. after threatening divorce if I didn't lose weight ... I rang his parents to ask to talk to him and said how he'd gone on about my weight and his Mum said  "well it is the whole package isn't it!" .. ie. well you are fat!!!!

These later years my first trip to SW, egged on by my boss, who accompanied me there every week!  started on the 10/04/08 weighing in at 17st 4lbs!
Probably not my highest as once I'd agreed to go I started eating, vomiting and trying to lose weight!
During my time there, I had ten weeks off due to a major ankle injury, which took longer to heal due to the excess weight!!!
Total weight loss .. 0 st  13.5 lbs!!!!!
Left there 15/01/09 .. I really wasn't in the 'zone' I wasn't doing it for me!

Later that year thought I'd try a more local SW group .. really didn't click with the Lady that ran it ... lasted 10 weeks ... started 23/06/09 at 17st 1lb ... finished 16.10  total loss 0st 5lbs!!!!  Rubbish!

Beginning of 2010 a new Rosemary Conley diet and fitness group started ... I did enjoy that and it ran till Oct when the lady gave it up!!! Started 18/01/2010 weighing 17st 1lb finishing 6/10/2010 weighing 14st 8lbs!   What's that? 2st 6lbs! I did enjoy that and was very sad when she stopped!

Now at Slimming World .. everything seems to have clicked into place, lovely lady running it, loving the way Extra Easy fits in with the whole family, obviously in the right frame of mind and actually doing something for me!
To date
Started 9/01/2012 weight 16st 7lbs
At the moment I weigh 13 st. 10lbs ... HURRAH!

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Well hello there ....

.. thanks for stopping by ...
This is my journey to my ideal weight .. and how I got to my highest weight ever!