Monday, 3 December 2012

I really really hope not!

Can't help but worry that the worse case scenario (another op in a few months) is going to happen to me and all I think about is pain and going back to the horrible hospital ..
I dream about the older people on the ward .. like the man not even on our ward who walked up and down every 20 mins or so to check the doors but got really audible whenever questioned to the point of violence.
Or the sweet, little, old dear two beds away from me, who, I woke to one evening with her standing over me playing with my morphine pump saying it's alright Dear I'm a nurse and I'm only here to help you!
Or the funny, lady diagonally opposite who kept thinking her dog Rosie was either in the bed side cabinet opposite her or under my bed so kept pulling out her drips to come and find her and either losing her balance and falling on the poor, truly ill, patient in the bed next door or knocking water and stuff flying round the ward and who too was very very audible when helped back to her bed! Mind you she did come up with some funny stories about having curry for breakfast, which was delicious. Or the bishop coming and taking her to the bathroom and making her get undressed! All the same when she got 'confused', as a poorly person, she was scary to me!
Or the tiny, crumpled little lady next door that lay in her bed and through the night would shout out the same thing for hours on end .. 'help me please', or 'Mother I'm sorry', or 'I just want to play' or 'fee fi fo' or 'where's my bicycle'  ... hours on hours of that is very depressing especially 'help me please' which the nurse took no notice of! ...
Or the really noisy man in the room across the way that seemed to ring his bell every few mins and when the nurses didn't respond straight away he'd start shouting and become abusive so everyone on the ward could hear!
The nightmares of sharing a bathroom with a stoma patient and going to the toilet to find flick bits of poo and gunk round the sink where the bag had been cleaned out!
Or the really uncomfortable beds, the noisy apron dispensers, the tepid, wet food, the rounds of having bloods taken, cannulas cleaned, drip alarms and lots of noise!
I know this isn't the end of the world (that's happening on my birthday apparently!) and may seem very silly .. but none of these things were helpful on the route to getting better and these things are in my mind and I have nightmares about my time spent in hospital... I so don't want to go there again!!!

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