Tuesday, 31 July 2012

How I felt .... Sept 2011

Today's the day .... 

.... that I start trying to love myself again!

I have fantastic children, a lovely house, friends, a caring husband and a family yet I'm unhappy ....

In June someone hurt me and sent me plummeting down into my pit of self loathing and hate again, I'd been there before, but slowly over the years, I'd been clawing my way back out and I got to the point where I thought "You know what! You're not too bad!"
Well here I am again at the bottom, not wanting to go out, not looking people in the eye (cos I'm so disgusting to look at) just wanting to sleep and let it all go away! That person doesn't understand and gets cross that I don't want to do things but it's they who put me there! That one thing, seems so insignificant to them, but it's so big to a person who was walking the tightrope over the pit!

Anyway suffice to say while wallowing (yep! easy enough for people to say oh she just needs to sort herself out and stop wallowing in her self pity, but it is hard!) in my pit of self loathing and self hate I've gained weight so I've also started in the circle of DEPRESSED so I'll EAT so I GAIN WEIGHT so I get DEPRESSED so I EAT ..... you get the drift!
All this has resulted in another kind of pain ~ physical ..... my feet hurt, my hips really hurt, my back hurts, I get dizzy and more headaches! Since June I've put on OVER a stone and my body doesn't like it!!! I don't like it! I don't like the way I feel, look or the fact that I don't do things with the children! I DON'T LIKE ME .. again!

Today I saw a video blog about liking your true self and I thought about that and realised that I don't even know who my true self is ... I think I've spent all my life wanting to be accepted and loved and never quiet making it and in the process losing myself in the ... 'maybe ifs'
Maybe if:
*I'd been a boy my Dad would have loved me more and given to me and my sister all the support, opportunities and great things he gave his son.
*I'd have been thinner my first husband wouldn't have gone off with his secretary who was younger, thinner and didn't have two youngsters under two screaming at home.
*I'd have been more confident I'd have had the promotions at work that I watched others getting.
*I was cooler my Son would want to do things with us rather than his Dad.
*I was thinner with nice legs and nice boobies this June thing wouldn't have happened.
*I was more confident I could get a job.
and so it goes on ..... but at the end of the day I still don't know who I am ...
I know
I'm a daughter (rubbish at that as far as my parents go, should have been a boy, should be like my sister!)
A sister (ok as far as one goes but not the other)
A wife (rubbish as far as one goes, don't know what number two really thinks, maybe there's always better round the corner ... So he'll keep a look out!)
A Mother ( could be cooler like Dad!)
An Aunt (OK ~ I think)
A friend (Ok)
But who am I ???

Hopefully I'll start to find out, and in the process love myself, my body ... me!

GLAD TO SAY >>> I'M STARTING TO LIKE MYSELF AGAIN!!!! Doing well at Slimming World and being voted Woman of the year are making me feel happy about me!

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